The world was shocked to learn that nearly every British publication reported that Kate Middleton is pregnant. But People magazine topped this news. Apparently, according to an anonymous source, Lindsay Lohan is “Out of Control.”
Out of control! What has this fine country come to that the duplicated star of “The Parent Trap” cannot be trusted to take care of herself? Down what path are we sending out youth? How can we live with the example that we are setting them? Lindsay Lohan, up to this point so poised and professional, has suddenly become a regular hurricane—according to an anonymous source.
The conception of a royal baby really puts the demise of one of America’s greatest into perspective. Not only that, but while Britain reports this uplifting news, People magazine turns to a shady and anonymous friend to report the stunning downfall of the Disney great.
At this time of year, it reminds me of when I learned the truth about Santa. Oh no, he’s real. But he is out of control. And now I can’t help but relive the emotional trauma of that first discovery. It would be a lie to claim I don’t see all the parallels between Santa’s and Lohan’s tornado-esque dispositions.
The man covers the entire world in one night. Lohan covers an entire bar dance floor in a single fit of inspiration.
Santa drinks uncountable glasses of milk, and eats innumerable cookies. Lohan is also known to have a few issues with the bottle.
And the kicker: The revelation that Santa is out of control comes from the provocation he receives to travel the whole world in one night—for the sake of a little baby being born. And the news about Lohan? It comes on the heels of the news about Kate Middleton’s baby.
I’m only stating facts; I’m certainly not suggesting that Lohan is Santa. But it’s plain that she is his cosmic doppelganger. I can only say that the emotional trauma caused by People’s revelation closely parallels what I discovered, just a few short years ago, about dear old Santa Claus.
Oh, and congratulations from across the pond to Will and Kate.