College Warfare 3: The Week That Nova’s Men Disappeared

by Will Kavanagh

If you’re like me, the next week is going to be insane. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, the most anticipated video game release of 2011, according to IGN.com and other industry sources, came out at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, and now campus is caught in the grip of a mysterious plague. The male population of Villanova has thinned considerably. Class attendance is down and the rare guy that is seen on campus looks exhausted and unkempt, like he’s been combating the flu for the past few days or is in the middle of finals week. Unfortunately, it’s neither of those things. That guy you see has been fighting World War III against a Russian ultra-nationalist faction on the battlefields like New York City’s Financial District (watch out, Occupy Wall Street!). It’s a very dark time for the Main Line’s premier Catholic university, but it’s only going to get worse. Why? Dragons are coming.

On Friday at 12:01 AM, the Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim will release for XBOX 360, Playstation 3, and PC, bringing the wrath of a frozen wasteland and its ancient dragon inhabitants down on the gamers of Villanova. What reviewers from PC Gamer, 1up.com, and IGN.com expect to be one of the most immersive games ever released will consume hours upon hours of time and cause people to neglect important things, like loved ones, personal hygiene, and proper nutrition (can we buy stock in Wingers?). Mountain Dew and Monster will quickly become the most widely-consumed beverages on campus as the envelope of sleep deprivation is pushed in the name of “an epic gaming sesh” that defies
all logic. If Skyrim and MW3 were the only threats to the health of the student body in the next week, I think we would survive. As it stands, we’re not going to make it, because from the harsh tundra of Skyrim, gamers will take up arms against the Knights Templar in the final adventure for master assassins, Altaïr and Ezio Auditore, in Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, due out next Tuesday.

Adrian Peterson, BJ Penn, and Derrick Rose are all in for the new Assassin’s Creed, which is being somewhat overshadowed by this week’s slate of game releases. Ezio Auditore’s quest for vengeance against the Borgia family (which renewed interest in the world’s first crime family and probably led to the launch of Showtime’s “The Borgias”) will come to a head in the last AC installment before the series conclusion, Assassin’s Creed III. No Shave November and Ezio’s gnarly Renaissance beard will contribute to distinct scruffiness of Villanova men (and irritate the faces of girlfriends).

All in all, the next week looks like a doozy for the University’s gamer population. I think we all need to help one another out by encouraging healthy sleeping, eating, and bathing habits. Wait… BarstoolU’s Blackout Tour is coming to Mad River on Tuesday? Oh, screw sleep! VIVA COLLEGE!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s